Tuesday, February 22, 2011

when your heart is broken

This is how I feel some of the time.

Not all of the time--there are many days where I feel happy and beautiful and love the sensation of the sun on my face. There are days where I feel peaceful about this moment in my life, accepting of what I have and what I don't.

But then there are the days where I see a round pregnant belly across the room and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I created this layout on one of those days. I was hesitant about sharing it, since when I wrote it the pain was so raw. But I know that some of you are dealing with this issue, too, and I hope it reminds you that you're not alone. And in the end, we all have pain and disappointments and heartache, no matter what the source.

There's a well-known from Rabbi Nachman of Breslov:

there is nothing more whole than a broken heart.

And it's true. In brokenness, we learn more about ourselves and grow closer to G-d than we would otherwise. We become different people than we would have been otherwise.

This pain is part of my story in this world, and that's why I scrapbook it.

What's the hardest story YOU have ever documented?

34 comments:

  1. I have so much respect for you for creating this and posting it. It is so hard sometimes to express our feelings and it's so good that you are able to be honest about your feelings.

    As for scrapping something difficult, Miri's hospital stay and health problems last year is probably the hardest...but it had a happy ending.

    Your happy ending is just waiting for the right time. :)

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  2. I have not been as brave as you, Keshet. I haven't scrapped any of the really hard stuff yet.
    I love the quote from the Rabbi. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers :)

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  3. Thanks for posting this. I know there will be many who will be find this helpful (including myself). The hardest thing I ever scrapped about was probably when I first scrapped about my son's autism. My son was 3 years old when he was diagnosed. And to tell you the truth, I didn't scrap for almost 2 years after that. I now realize that I was depressed. For some reason, I happened to fall upon Ali Edwards blog in where she was documenting her own journey with Simon's autism. That gave me the push to finally start scrapping again. And I haven't turned back ever since :) I find it so therapeutic to scrap about the difficult moments. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Have a blessed day :)

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  4. you know, if you don't put the hard stuff out there, there is no one to pray for you or to know that you need to be prayed for. life is about relationships. some good/some bad. hugs and prayers my friend.

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  5. I wish I could give you a hug. Your time will come, you will see.

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  6. I never have scrapped anything difficult. I have tried. And I have tried to really put my heart out into my journaling, as I do in my own journal. I want certain feelings to be a part of my documentation but yet it is hard for me to write the words. I love that quote because it is the pure truth. I felt pain like that so many times in my life & it makes me who I am. Thanks for sharing this!

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  7. Thanks for sharing Keshet. I am praying for you still. Someday you will have that baby in your arms and look back and read this and appreciate your little one even more. Blessings.

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  8. I haven't scrapped anything hard before. I guess I'm not at the stage where I can put it on paper. Stay strong & remember...our babies will be besties. <3 ya!

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  9. Oh Keshet, bless your heart. Thank you for sharing something so real with us. May we lift you up with our happy thoughts. :)

    The hardest thing I ever scrapped dealt with my son's stay in the NICU. He was five weeks early, just a little guy (though he was one of the biggest in there!) and it was hard on me for so many reasons. I had a 17-month old at home, and my heart broke every time I went anywhere- I was always leaving one of my babies. Then, one time, as I was holding Alexander's teeny hand, he stopped breathing. He was resuscitated, but the panic and terror of that moment, and the prolonged pain of his stay in the hospital, remained for a bit. It helped a lot to sort out my feelings- from sadness at his temporary absence in our home, to guilt at not being able to spend every single moment at his bedside like I wanted to do, to euphoria at the news we could bring him home- on paper and preserve them in my own journal-like scrapbook. Definite therapy, and I'm so glad I did it.

    Somehow, someway, you will be blessed with a child. And, through your heartfelt pages (from before and after their arrival), they will have no doubt of your love for them. Hang in there, darling. :)

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  10. ((((keshet))) working through your emotions is one of the best ways I know to move past the pain and into the joy... Your layout is beautiful- and like Maya said, your time will come-you will see!!

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  11. wow......such a touching layout...it's just perfect.

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  12. Big hug for you, hon'! (Gorgeous page)

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  13. this is gorgeous and real keshet - and oh so perfect. ((hugs))

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  14. I admire you for reaching out and sharing these things on your blog...I wish I could do that. Those are the kind of blogs I love to read because they are real and you really get a sense of who the person is. You have a sweet and beautiful spirit and one day you will hold a baby in your arms. My husband and I always knew fertility would be an issue for us and when the opportunity to adopt knocked at our door just a few months after we were married we jumped at the chance. Things do happen for a reason if you're open to it...it was the best thing for us at that time. I thought it would be hard not being the one pregnant, but in all truths? I just wanted to be a mom and that's what I got. Hugs to you and many prayers that your prayers are answered. Email me anytime if you want to chat.

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  15. Yay for you for posting this Keshet! I wish I was so brave about sharing my more personal layouts. Scrap therapy is always helpful in working my way through difficult emotions, but I usually just keep those pages to myself. Don't loose hope Keshet, things will work out for you I know they will. xo

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  16. Wow... this is beautiful! So glad you posted it. Thanks for sharing.

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  17. This is beautiful, sending hugs! I haven't scrapped any of the hard stuff yet but I am thinking about doing it soon.

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  18. I am surrounded by so many sad moments and facts and stories at work. It has caused me to turn outward in appreciating my life more openly. I do scrap tough moments but more from a humorous perspective. For me, scrapping is therapeutic in letting go of so much daily sadness. Hugs!

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  19. I do personal LOs, some I share on my blog, but the REALLY personal & tough ones... I'm not so brave.
    Like everyone else has said, you will hold a baby in your arms one day and you will love that baby so much, probably even more for what you've endured.

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  20. Angie Lucas wrote about her own struggle with IF last summer. If you haven't read it, go find it. You are not alone. I have been lucky enough to make it over the bridge, to close the door on that season; but, I remember all these emotions all too well. May you somehow find peace and strength- and I hope you get to this side soon.

    As for me, I have been mulling over my LO about the 'year of the suck' as I like to call 2010 but there is so much raw emotion and thoughts so hard to put into words that I have not yet done it. But, I will. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the nice comment on my blog for ST :)

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  21. what a moving and powerful expression keshet

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  22. Big hugs for you, my dear. You are a brave, true soul, and I thank you for sharing it with all of us!

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  23. Ow wow this is beautifull and very moving. I have so much respect for scrapping your feelings like this.... Thanks for sharing!

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  24. wow - this is so sincere, thanks for sharing, it is a gorgeous page. i haven't really scrapped a lot of tough pages - but i have to say my appreciation for getting through tough times and dealing with sad things is one of the reasons i started to scrap in the first place - to document those things that i am thankful for and to recall the good times. this is such a real part of your life though that it does make me want to start to document the "whole picture". sending you lots of love and hugs

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  25. This is such a terrific page in so many ways. My heart just goes out to you. You are loved.

    Any time I scrap Dominic's autism, I weep.

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  26. ((((((Hugs)))))) It is so hard to put into words the feelings we have when our hearts are broken or we are feeling pain. But it can be so therapeutic if we can put it down on paper. Thank you so much for sharing. I know you have helped others without knowing it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  27. Hello :)
    I read your post and my eyes are tearing...
    I scrapped my mum (Z"L) photo last week and was in tears throughout the process. there is a feeling of erm..don`t really know how to describe it but, as if I had let it go?

    We had to go through IVF and that is how we had our daughter. I`m assuming you re going through this journey yourself Keshet. And wanted to say that there is always hope dear.
    Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Your page is beautiful and peaceful.

    Ayelet <3

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Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment! I love hearing your thoughts:)